Every family is going to encounter times of Stress, and even
Crisis events. The important part is the response. Sometimes the response
itself can be more of a crisis than the actual event! There are a few concepts
that we discussed that I think will really help families to cope in a healthy
manner.
The first is understanding the role that cognitions play. In
many cases I think that we have more agency than we admit. We have the ability
to choose what to think about many things, although some take more effort than
others. Sometimes we may need to ‘reframe’ the situation, or take in more,
different, or adjusted perspectives from your own. This re-shifting may need to
happen many times.
As Bro. Williams told us about some of his life experiences
and counseling experiences, I realized that principles of repentance and
forgiveness and communication are universal, eternal truths. You don’t need to
use those labels, but when it comes down to it, those are the only things that
can really fix a situation. In times of crisis and stress, it is not only
people that are hurt and affected, but relationships. And those cannot be fixed
or maintained without a great amount of forgiveness, repentance and
communication. I am so grateful for the gospel knowledge that I have, and for
the guidance that it gives us on every hand.
Happiness in family life is most likely to be
achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful
marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith,
prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome
recreational activities.
THE FIRST COMMANDMENTthat God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to
their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s
commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in
force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of
procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as
husband and wife.
This is a very sacred topic. Although
it is not the most important part of a marriage, it is a barometer for other
aspects. As I thought of what I wanted to discuss, I thought that I would
instead include some resources from those who can express it better than I. There are so many wrong and negative views given multiple times a day, that it can be hard to keep a proper view of what intimacy is, and why it is important and beautiful. These talks have helped me to know what the proper role and view is, and to correct it in my mind. This way I can continue to refer back to this as I learn more about this later
in my life, and encounter any challenges. These are references that have
blessed my understanding on this topic.
“Of Souls, Symbols and Sacraments” by Jeffrey R. Holland
“Bridle All your Passions” by Elder Hafen
“Making the Right Choices” by Elder Scott
“Things as They Really Are” by Elder Bednar
“The Fountain of Life” by Elder Packer
“Statements on Intimacy in Marriage” from the Eternal
Marriage Manual
This week we talked about Family Dynamics Theories. These
are theories used to explain how families interact, and what a model family
would look like. They are helpful as attempts to explain the ways that families
interact, but one does not always apply to every situation. As I explain them,
see how you could relate it to your family.
Systems Theory: Think of the family of a system of
individual working parts that affect one another. Each individual family member
plays a role in the overall workings of the family. Thus, an issue affecting
one member is going to have a toll on the whole family. Another aspect of this
is family rules. These can be unspoken or spoken habits and patterns that each
member understands, consciously or not. An example of family rules that my
family follows are the trips that we take each summer. It is a pattern that we
have come to follow. It is not spoken or defined, but if we didn’t go on one,
it would feel very wrong, but no one would probably know why. Looking for these
rules can help us to see why something feels wrong or out of place. This theory
would also explain why it was difficult for my family when I left for College.
A family member wasn’t just being subtracted, everyone had to make adjustments
because of the absence I left in every situation.
We watched this commercial in class and talked about the way that the family system was similar and different to the way that a car works as a system:
What do you think? What part do you play in your family?
Exchange Theory: All relationships are a matter of give and
take. This theory would say that we all act on the question of “what’s in it
for me?” and seek to do things that will give us what we want. An example of
this would be me offering to make my brother dishes if he will wash my dishes.
Symbolic Interaction: This system explains that every behavior
also has a meaning. Problems can happen when the intended meaning doesn’t match
the interpretation of the meaning. For example, if I make my brother’s bed as a
way to show him that I love him, but he is offended because he thinks he is old
enough that he doesn’t need to be taken care of, there will be discord, because
the intended meaning did not match the interpreted meaning.
Conflict Theory: This theory says that there will always be
conflict, and as a result, a struggle for power. It is important to understand
that conflict is natural, but the important thing is how we handle it. In a
healthy relationship, I think there would be equal measures of power and
influence.
We decided that Systems theory is most often useful to
visualize what is happening in a family. If we were to draw it out, this is
what my family would look like if healthy:
The dashes represent a boundary that makes it clear that
there is an executive system; that Mom and Dad are a team. It is open, though,
to influence. Think of it as a picket fence. It is clear where the boundary is,
but it can still be spoken through. Contrast this with a Brick wall, or a fence
with nothing but posts.
This is a very simplified view of my family- there is a lot more going on than what is represented in this chart. But it is helpful to see graphically how my family would ideally be organized. This way, you can see how it differs from what it ought to be, and then it is simple to see what changes need made to create a healthier system.
Ideas to Ponder:
How would you draw out your family? What do you think is should look like? Where would you put parents and in-laws?
Two transitions that we talked about were the actual
marriage, and then adding children into the mix. We learned some things that I
thought were great tools to help each transition go more smoothly.
Engagement and Marriage: Does it really matter how a
marriage begins? Why do we have to have all the fuss surrounding it? I think
that all of the “fuss” is symbolic of the marriage itself, and how it is viewed
by society. There is a lot of hubbub because it is one of the most important
decisions that these two people will ever make. The parties and showers and
receptions help to show the gravity of the occasion, and give an opportunity to
help the couple prepare for and celebrate it. Many couples look back to these
early days when they face struggles in marriage. Having this in mind, I think
that it is important to set patterns in the preparation for marriage that you
want to be continued in it. Make decisions together, be aware of the role that
money is playing, and take time to prepare for the marriage, not just the
wedding.
As the marriage begins, it would be wise to understand that
under stress (of which there is a lot of in the first years of marriage) that
we revert to old habits. It would be wise to anticipate and communicate about
these.
Models of marital satisfaction show that marriage
satisfaction declines dramatically after the first child is born. This is very
out of scale, but also not true of many couples. However, changes in a marriage
after a child is born are inevitable. What is it that successful couples do to
make this transition easier? Much of it will just be communicating and
preparing for the changes before the baby comes. So what kind of changes can be
anticipated?
·Workload: Typically there is a 60% increase for
mom and 30% increase for dad. Between the two it is like adding a full time
job!
·Agreement: Men tend to perceive that there is
less agreement in the marriage.
·There is typically less physical intimacy,
especially in the first few weeks after delivery.
·There is also typically less conversation about
the couple itself.
So what are some things that can be done to combat these?
·Share developmental milestones. Explain and talk
about things during the pregnancy so that the habit is established. Go through
it as a team.
·Involve dad in activities such as prenatal
checkups.
·Continue date nights. Make sure that it is clear
in action that you are still a Husband and Wife, not just a new mommy and
daddy.
·Find non-baby things to do together and talk
about.
·Dad’s special ability is to play. Let him do it!
Let him learn to care for the child without correction, just as you needed to.
THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.
I loved our discussions this week, because it is a topic
frequently on my mind, and the minds of my friends. Some of the models that we
discussed really helped me to understand some of my past relationships, and know
how to create healthier ones in the future.
One thing that was very helpful was Van Epp’s “Know Quo,” a
way to help gauge how well you know someone. I have already shared this with
several friends and co-workers :) It basically says that in order to know someone,
you need to talk, spend time together, and experience togetherness. Dating
would be so much more powerful if we patterned it to give us more of each area.
One thing to keep in mind is that a high level in one category doesn’t
compensate for another.
The Second Idea that blew my mind was Van Epp’s Relationship
Attachment Model. According to him, in order for a relationship to develop
healthily, aspects of the relationship need to develop in a certain order. Failure
to do this will result in unhealthy attachment, confusion, guilt and doubt. This
is something I wish I had known years ago! Understanding this model helped me
to understand why I have felt the way I have in certain relationships. I plan
to pay careful attention to this in the future. Dating should not be passive.
There was a third thing that I wish that every man on this
campus understood. It would revolutionize the way that people dated! And the
funny thing is that it is made up of two sets of “P’s” that we all already know
and embrace. The first, the P’s of a Father’s role outlined by the
Proclamation: Protect, Provide, Preside. Second, the three P definitions of a
date as given by Elder Oaks: Planned, Paid for, Paired off. What I had never
realized, was that these two lists coincide perfectly! Sooo cool!!
If dating were to follow this pattern, men would be showing
their ability to be a father and husband each time the couple goes out (and
being a couple does not compensate for dating).
Elder Oaks recipe for a date was not just a way to combat hanging out,
it is a recipe to help us set patterns for a healthy family, and make sure that
those we date are what we are looking for in an eternal companion.
What I wish the World Knew about Gender and Same Gender
Attraction
ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and
female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or
daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and
destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal,
and eternal identity and purpose.
For a preparation assignment,
we watched a documentary called Men, Women and the Sex Difference. In this
documentary, the opinion that “we badly need to raise our boys more like our
girls” was expressed. This is a view that is beginning to permeate our society.
We consider gender a matter of choice, something that can be decided by the
individual, something that is merely created by societal expectations. That
view runs completely contradictory to the understanding that gender is
essential to our roles, both before we came to this earth, now, and throughout the
eternities. In class, we talked about how “If you and I are the same, one of us
is unnecessary.” Men and Women are created differently- for a divine purpose-
and each is critical. Together, we balance each other out. Here is an example
of some gender-oriented characteristics. Look to see how they are complementary
to the other gender, and can work together in tandem.
Girls/Women
Sensitive
Observant, Detail Oriented
Landmarks
Cooperative
Relationship Oriented
Boys/Men
Aggressive
Spatial Orientation
Competitive
Self-Reliant
Task Oriented
In Marriage, especially,
these qualities and characteristics can work together to form a team ideal for
raising children, and managing successfully in this world. They have the
capability to complete and perfect each other.
So how does Gender tie into
Same Gender Attraction? In class we discussed a model called the Exotic to
Erotic Model, that Bro. Williams said explained the situation that fit most of
those that he counseled.
Ideas to Ponder:
·What harm might the Labels “gay” “homosexual”
and “lesbian” be doing?
·What role does the representation of this
lifestyle in the media play in the promotions of it?
·What role might legalizing same sex marriage
play in the promotion of the lifestyle?
·Understanding the influence of society, how
might you respond to someone who has just “come out”? How important is it that
they feel loved and supported?
This week we discussed Cultures and Social Class. Living in Idaho and Utah for most of my life, I haven't had a huge exposure to other cultures, but this last semester I had the opportunity to live in Israel for 4 months. There was no shortage of diversity there! It was fascinating to me how sometimes culture dictates what is appropriate and what is not. In America, there is no problem with your hair being seen. There are many living in the Middle East who would disagree, because of the culture they have been raised in. The way that boys and girls, men and women interact in the United States is vastly different as well. Girls and boys did not play together. They seemed to always be in groups of their own gender. Families seemed to be a much more private, sacred thing to most of the cultures I saw. Many of their traditions were beautiful and things that I would like to emulate. But some of the traditions did not seem to be as healthy.
As we examine our own culture, I think it is important to scrutinize it carefully. Are there aspects of it that are unhealthy? Are there things I do just because I am supposed to, not because it is healthy? Am I placing importance on the right things? Our discussion about Social Class and Cultures raised many of these questions to me. It is important to understand where others come from so that we can understand them better, but also to see where we come from.
These questions reminded me of a short story that I read in High School, called The Lottery, by Shirley Jackson. As you read this, think of what traditions, or family rules there may be in your family that are unhealthy, so that they are not perpetuated to the future.
