Week Six

Transitions in Marriage

Two transitions that we talked about were the actual marriage, and then adding children into the mix. We learned some things that I thought were great tools to help each transition go more smoothly.

Engagement and Marriage: Does it really matter how a marriage begins? Why do we have to have all the fuss surrounding it? I think that all of the “fuss” is symbolic of the marriage itself, and how it is viewed by society. There is a lot of hubbub because it is one of the most important decisions that these two people will ever make. The parties and showers and receptions help to show the gravity of the occasion, and give an opportunity to help the couple prepare for and celebrate it. Many couples look back to these early days when they face struggles in marriage. Having this in mind, I think that it is important to set patterns in the preparation for marriage that you want to be continued in it. Make decisions together, be aware of the role that money is playing, and take time to prepare for the marriage, not just the wedding.

As the marriage begins, it would be wise to understand that under stress (of which there is a lot of in the first years of marriage) that we revert to old habits. It would be wise to anticipate and communicate about these.

Models of marital satisfaction show that marriage satisfaction declines dramatically after the first child is born. This is very out of scale, but also not true of many couples. However, changes in a marriage after a child is born are inevitable. What is it that successful couples do to make this transition easier? Much of it will just be communicating and preparing for the changes before the baby comes. So what kind of changes can be anticipated?

·         Workload: Typically there is a 60% increase for mom and 30% increase for dad. Between the two it is like adding a full time job!

·         Agreement: Men tend to perceive that there is less agreement in the marriage.

·         There is typically less physical intimacy, especially in the first few weeks after delivery.

·         There is also typically less conversation about the couple itself.

So what are some things that can be done to combat these?

·         Share developmental milestones. Explain and talk about things during the pregnancy so that the habit is established. Go through it as a team.

·         Involve dad in activities such as prenatal checkups.

·         Continue date nights. Make sure that it is clear in action that you are still a Husband and Wife, not just a new mommy and daddy.

·         Find non-baby things to do together and talk about.

·         Dad’s special ability is to play. Let him do it! Let him learn to care for the child without correction, just as you needed to. 

Week Five

Preparing for Marriage

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.

I loved our discussions this week, because it is a topic frequently on my mind, and the minds of my friends. Some of the models that we discussed really helped me to understand some of my past relationships, and know how to create healthier ones in the future.

One thing that was very helpful was Van Epp’s “Know Quo,” a way to help gauge how well you know someone. I have already shared this with several friends and co-workers :) It basically says that in order to know someone, you need to talk, spend time together, and experience togetherness. Dating would be so much more powerful if we patterned it to give us more of each area. One thing to keep in mind is that a high level in one category doesn’t compensate for another.

 The Second Idea that blew my mind was Van Epp’s Relationship Attachment Model. According to him, in order for a relationship to develop healthily, aspects of the relationship need to develop in a certain order. Failure to do this will result in unhealthy attachment, confusion, guilt and doubt. This is something I wish I had known years ago! Understanding this model helped me to understand why I have felt the way I have in certain relationships. I plan to pay careful attention to this in the future. Dating should not be passive.

There was a third thing that I wish that every man on this campus understood. It would revolutionize the way that people dated! And the funny thing is that it is made up of two sets of “P’s” that we all already know and embrace. The first, the P’s of a Father’s role outlined by the Proclamation: Protect, Provide, Preside. Second, the three P definitions of a date as given by Elder Oaks: Planned, Paid for, Paired off. What I had never realized, was that these two lists coincide perfectly! Sooo cool!!

If dating were to follow this pattern, men would be showing their ability to be a father and husband each time the couple goes out (and being a couple does not compensate for dating).  Elder Oaks recipe for a date was not just a way to combat hanging out, it is a recipe to help us set patterns for a healthy family, and make sure that those we date are what we are looking for in an eternal companion. 

Week Four

What I wish the World Knew about Gender and Same Gender Attraction

ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

For a preparation assignment, we watched a documentary called Men, Women and the Sex Difference. In this documentary, the opinion that “we badly need to raise our boys more like our girls” was expressed. This is a view that is beginning to permeate our society. We consider gender a matter of choice, something that can be decided by the individual, something that is merely created by societal expectations. That view runs completely contradictory to the understanding that gender is essential to our roles, both before we came to this earth, now, and throughout the eternities. In class, we talked about how “If you and I are the same, one of us is unnecessary.” Men and Women are created differently- for a divine purpose- and each is critical. Together, we balance each other out. Here is an example of some gender-oriented characteristics. Look to see how they are complementary to the other gender, and can work together in tandem.

Girls/Women

Sensitive

Observant, Detail Oriented

Landmarks

Cooperative

Relationship Oriented

Boys/Men

Aggressive

Spatial Orientation

Competitive

Self-Reliant

Task Oriented

In Marriage, especially, these qualities and characteristics can work together to form a team ideal for raising children, and managing successfully in this world. They have the capability to complete and perfect each other.

So how does Gender tie into Same Gender Attraction? In class we discussed a model called the Exotic to Erotic Model, that Bro. Williams said explained the situation that fit most of those that he counseled.

Ideas to Ponder:

·         What harm might the Labels “gay” “homosexual” and “lesbian” be doing?

·         What role does the representation of this lifestyle in the media play in the promotions of it?

·         What role might legalizing same sex marriage play in the promotion of the lifestyle?

·         Understanding the influence of society, how might you respond to someone who has just “come out”? How important is it that they feel loved and supported?

·         Extra Sources of Interest:

·         http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html

·         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym0jXg-hKCI

Week Three

This week we discussed Cultures and Social Class. Living in Idaho and Utah for most of my life, I haven't had a huge exposure to other cultures, but this last semester I had the opportunity to live in Israel for 4 months. There was no shortage of diversity there! It was fascinating to me how sometimes culture dictates what is appropriate and what is not. In America, there is no problem with your hair being seen. There are many living in the Middle East who would disagree, because of the culture they have been raised in. The way that boys and girls, men and women interact in the United States is vastly different as well. Girls and boys did not play together. They seemed to always be in groups of their own gender. Families seemed to be a much more private, sacred thing to most of the cultures I saw. Many of their traditions were beautiful and things that I would like to emulate. But some of the traditions did not seem to be as healthy.
As we examine our own culture, I think it is important to scrutinize it carefully. Are there aspects of it that are unhealthy? Are there things I do just because I am supposed to, not because it is healthy? Am I placing importance on the right things? Our discussion about Social Class and Cultures raised many of these questions to me. It is important to understand where others come from so that we can understand them better, but also to see where we come from.
These questions reminded me of a short story that I read in High School, called The Lottery, by Shirley Jackson. As you read this, think of what traditions, or family rules there may be in your family that are unhealthy, so that they are not perpetuated to the future.

Week One

What I wish the World Knew about Trends in the Family

I have come to believe that it is very important to be aware of the trends in the world, and the consequences of those paths, so that you can be aware that it is acting on you, and make conscious choices. Here are a few examples of some such trends in our world today:

Delayed Marriage: The average age at first marriage is 26 for women and 28 for men. The average ages for LDS women and men respectively is 22 and 24. The interesting thing is that both ages are increasing- at the same rate. This made me nervous. We are counseled so often as Young Adults to not postpone marriage. To me, it is not so much a matter of problems caused by older spouses and parents, but that this wouldn’t be a trend if other things weren’t becoming more important to people than family. The idea that “it can wait” is a dangerous one.

Unwed Births: This rate is also rising. It was recently said that in America there are now more children being born outside of marriage than inside of it. That is really scary. Especially when you consider the Proclamation’s statement that children are entitled to being born within the bonds of matrimony, with a Father and a Mother to care for them.

Birthrates: The overall rate of births, however, is decreasing. This wouldn’t be a big deal if the world was in fact overpopulated as many believe. But that is just not the case. We watched a Documentary called the Demographic Winter that explained the problems that society will face with such a drop in human capital. Many nations are even now reproducing below  the replacement rate. The effects of this choice, when made by so many families will have a far reaching effect beyond the individual families, across nations and cultures. And it will happen more quickly than we probably realize. Again, the Proclamation counters with the fact that the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.

Mom’s Working outside of the home: This rate is also increasing. The highest rate is for those children under 6. This is very scary as well, considering all of the counsel given by our prophets for mothers to stay in the home.

Premarital Sex: Again, a rate that is rising. Many agree that this is a problem, but there is disagreement as to why. Many believe that the problem is only unprotected sex- that as long as it is protected or birth control is used, that it is fine. There is a push to educate young people along those lines, rather than encouraging them to wait until within the bonds of marriage.

Cohabitation: Rates are rising here too. The thing that worries me, is that in many cases, people enter into cohabitation with good intentions. They have seen divorce and unsucessful marriages so many times, that they want to make sure that they get it right- so they try it out before tying the knot. But this shows that they don’t really understand what marriage is. Statistics show that marriages that began with cohabitation are even less successful. Why? Because they are just sliding into marriage. Marriage is a commitment. And that can’t be practiced. You are either committed to each other or you aren’t. That commitment is crucial to marriage’s success. If you are simply trying it out or practicing, it is not going to work the same way.

Household Size: Going down. This again relates to the overall rate of birth, as well as families that have been split by divorce.

It is scary to me, that so many of these trends run directly contrary to the counsel that we are given by our Church leaders- which comes directly from Heavenly Father. Nothing that runs contrary to those principles will bring happiness. I am so grateful for the principles taught so timely in the Proclamation to the World on the Family. How I wish that the whole world understood and acted upon those principles.