Week Five

Preparing for Marriage

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.

I loved our discussions this week, because it is a topic frequently on my mind, and the minds of my friends. Some of the models that we discussed really helped me to understand some of my past relationships, and know how to create healthier ones in the future.

One thing that was very helpful was Van Epp’s “Know Quo,” a way to help gauge how well you know someone. I have already shared this with several friends and co-workers :) It basically says that in order to know someone, you need to talk, spend time together, and experience togetherness. Dating would be so much more powerful if we patterned it to give us more of each area. One thing to keep in mind is that a high level in one category doesn’t compensate for another.

 The Second Idea that blew my mind was Van Epp’s Relationship Attachment Model. According to him, in order for a relationship to develop healthily, aspects of the relationship need to develop in a certain order. Failure to do this will result in unhealthy attachment, confusion, guilt and doubt. This is something I wish I had known years ago! Understanding this model helped me to understand why I have felt the way I have in certain relationships. I plan to pay careful attention to this in the future. Dating should not be passive.

There was a third thing that I wish that every man on this campus understood. It would revolutionize the way that people dated! And the funny thing is that it is made up of two sets of “P’s” that we all already know and embrace. The first, the P’s of a Father’s role outlined by the Proclamation: Protect, Provide, Preside. Second, the three P definitions of a date as given by Elder Oaks: Planned, Paid for, Paired off. What I had never realized, was that these two lists coincide perfectly! Sooo cool!!

If dating were to follow this pattern, men would be showing their ability to be a father and husband each time the couple goes out (and being a couple does not compensate for dating).  Elder Oaks recipe for a date was not just a way to combat hanging out, it is a recipe to help us set patterns for a healthy family, and make sure that those we date are what we are looking for in an eternal companion.