Week Six

Transitions in Marriage

Two transitions that we talked about were the actual marriage, and then adding children into the mix. We learned some things that I thought were great tools to help each transition go more smoothly.

Engagement and Marriage: Does it really matter how a marriage begins? Why do we have to have all the fuss surrounding it? I think that all of the “fuss” is symbolic of the marriage itself, and how it is viewed by society. There is a lot of hubbub because it is one of the most important decisions that these two people will ever make. The parties and showers and receptions help to show the gravity of the occasion, and give an opportunity to help the couple prepare for and celebrate it. Many couples look back to these early days when they face struggles in marriage. Having this in mind, I think that it is important to set patterns in the preparation for marriage that you want to be continued in it. Make decisions together, be aware of the role that money is playing, and take time to prepare for the marriage, not just the wedding.

As the marriage begins, it would be wise to understand that under stress (of which there is a lot of in the first years of marriage) that we revert to old habits. It would be wise to anticipate and communicate about these.

Models of marital satisfaction show that marriage satisfaction declines dramatically after the first child is born. This is very out of scale, but also not true of many couples. However, changes in a marriage after a child is born are inevitable. What is it that successful couples do to make this transition easier? Much of it will just be communicating and preparing for the changes before the baby comes. So what kind of changes can be anticipated?

·         Workload: Typically there is a 60% increase for mom and 30% increase for dad. Between the two it is like adding a full time job!

·         Agreement: Men tend to perceive that there is less agreement in the marriage.

·         There is typically less physical intimacy, especially in the first few weeks after delivery.

·         There is also typically less conversation about the couple itself.

So what are some things that can be done to combat these?

·         Share developmental milestones. Explain and talk about things during the pregnancy so that the habit is established. Go through it as a team.

·         Involve dad in activities such as prenatal checkups.

·         Continue date nights. Make sure that it is clear in action that you are still a Husband and Wife, not just a new mommy and daddy.

·         Find non-baby things to do together and talk about.

·         Dad’s special ability is to play. Let him do it! Let him learn to care for the child without correction, just as you needed to.