Week Twelve

Divorce and Remarriage

The law of entropy has been on my mind a lot this semester, and I believe that it applies poignantly to this issue. It is simply a law of nature that things naturally progress towards disorganization and disorder. Things that are not taken care of break down. This is probably the overarching theme that I have learned this semester. The natural man is an enemy to God, and also to families. The natural way of things does not promote healthy relationships. But that is usually the easy way, and the way commonly taken by people. I wonder how often it is the cause of divorce. To achieve healthy relationships, it takes a great deal of attention, care, and work. I am grateful for all of the tools that I have gained that will help me to combat entropy in my family life and other dear relationships.

The beautiful thing is that this law does not have the final say. We have been taught the principles upon which healthy families are formed. We are not here to fail in our relationships, and even if we have made mistakes in the past, we are not doomed. Many relationships that are currently unhappy have the opportunity to get better. A fascinating statistic is that of people who rated their marital happiness a 1 or a 2 on a scale of 1 to 5, and were contemplating divorce, of those who stayed together, a high percentage rated their marriage a 4 or a 5, five years later. I think this demonstrates that there are ups and downs in most marriages, but that if you stick with it, those hard times have the ability to draw you closer together and ultimately bring you greater happiness. For those who do divorce, many are able to find happiness in remarriage. This, of course, does bring with it additional challenges, however. 

The wonderful theme is that marriage is ordained of God, and families are part of his divine plan. We are human, and will make mistakes, but the Atonement works for family life too. Regardless of the paths that we have taken in the past, we will be given all the help that we seek for in helping our families to progress toward eternity. 

I have learned so much this semester. I have come away with so much more confidence to face the challenges and decisions ahead of me. I know that I still don't have all of the answers. But one thing that gives me comfort, is the Proclamation on the Family. Somehow, most of the topics, if not the details, that we have covered in class are addressed by this inspired document and other inspired messages from our Church leaders. 

Week Eleven

Parenting

I hardly feel qualified to share insights and pointers on this topic. Parenting is just something that I didn't feel at all ready to tackle. But some of the issues that we discussed helped to quell this concern a little bit. 

We started off our discussion with a conversation about what the purpose of parenting is. I was especially struck with how often we went back to the idea that parenting is about coming to know our Heavenly Father, and learning to be like him. I wondered how the notion and practice of parenthood would be different in our world if everyone- even LDS people- knew and understood and acted upon this understanding. Parenting would then not be about control or regulation, it would be an opportunity for both to learn and grow. Michael Popkin, whose parenting methods that we learned some more about, declared that the goal of parenting was to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive. 

Another idea that was introduced to me was the idea of natural and logical consequences. We decided that allowing children to learn from the natural consequences of their actions was the best way to teach them responsible use of their agency. This does not apply in every situation, however, there are three exceptions: when it would be too dangerous, the consequence would be too far in the future to be a good teacher, and if it would affect someone else. When we do have to create consequences in order to discipline, it is best if they are logical consequences. This means that the contrived consequences would still show in some way what may happen if that action continued, just in a smaller way, or for a limited time. This is an alternative to using punishment and reward to get the desired behavior. So, if a child misbehaves, you wouldn't sentence them to mowing the lawn. There is no connection to the wrongful action, so it will likely do nothing but create resentment. 

I still have so much to learn about how to be an effective parent- but I guess that's the point! There is no way that we can read enough literature and talk to enough experts to learn everything before having children. I do believe that there is probably no goal that Heavenly Father would be more anxious to guide us in than as a parent. Although I have a lot to learn, these tips, along with the guidance of the Spirit will help me to be successful. 

Week Ten

Family Work

One of the discussions that really hit home for me this week was about how work has been redefined over the past 2 or 300 years. This was not something that I had really thought about before, but I now believe that this transition has had a huge impact on families. Up until the industrial revolution, work was something that families did together. Now it has become individualized, has taken the father away from the home, the definition and purpose of work has become income, and there has been a gender division in labor.

The article that we read in preparation can be found at http://magazine.byu.edu/?act=view&a=151. I would recommend it! 

The article that we read impacted me very much. It made so much sense, and yet I had never connected the changes and struggles that families have to work. So what am I going to do differently in my family now that I am aware of this? It made me commit to share as much of the work in my household as possible. I want it to become something that I and my children find rewarding, not be seen as a punishment. I think that the social aspect of work has virtually disappeared in many cases (in ours, it has become ‘divide and conquer’), and that is something that I would like to make a priority in my household. I have noticed that some of my fondest memories are times that my family has worked together towards a common cause, and allowed for fun and interaction in the meantime. 

Another topic that we covered this week was Fatherhood. For one of our assignments, we had to research some things that successful fathers do, and write a paper about it. I didn't know that Fatherhood was such a well researched topic! There is a lot of guidance that has resulted, and I wanted to share some of the examples that I found. 

Rosenberg and Wilcox compiled a list of seven ways that fathers influence their children in critical ways that is published by the U.S. Government’s Child Welfare program. I would like to touch on five of those points.

· Relationship with Mother: Rosenberg and Wilcox’s article states that, “children who witness affectionate, respectful, and sacrificial behavior on the part of their father are more likely to treat their own, future spouses in a similar fashion” (2006). The article goes on to explain that the example set by their father in this role as husband will likely play into the future health and happiness of their children as they form their own relationships, as well as relieve them of negative consequences that marital discord between their parents may bring. The truth that “the most important thing a father can do for his daughter is to love her mother,” was also taught by Elaine Dalton in a recent Conference address (2011).

· Unique ability to Discipline: Wilcox and Rosenberg (2006) state that, “the role that fathers play as disciplinarians cannot be underestimated.” They go on to say that fathers are uniquely successful in disciplining boys, and contribute to the overall success of discipline by sharing the load with the mother.

· Spending Time with Children: According to Dr. Canfield, the Founder and President of the National Center for Fathering, as well as many LDS commercials, family love is best communicated through time spent together (Wilcox & Rosenberg, 2006). The Child Welfare article (2006) explains that this is for three reasons: it allows him to get to know his child, he will tend to become better at child caring, and the child will feel more loved. Fathers specifically are in a great position to help a child develop a sense of exploration and how to keep feelings of aggression in check (Wilcox & Rosenberg, 2006). Some studies even show that a father’s involvement in education can be more important for academic success than their mothers (Wilcox & Rosenberg, 2006).

· Guide to the Outside World: Fathers play an important function in the lives of their children by encouraging them to learn about and explore the outside world while providing them with the safety and guidance that they need to do so (Wilcox & Rosenberg, 2006). Wilcox and Rosenberg (2006) show how this role is vital at every stage of a child’s development, from toddler to adolescent. They conclude by saying that fathers can prepare their children to meet the challenges and opportunities of adulthood by gradually helping them to act independently.

· Protecting and Providing: By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families (Hinckley, 1995). Wilcox and Rosenberg (2006) support this statement by explaining that a father who provides financially for his family and are aware of and involved in their social environment helps his children to feel safe and secure, and tend to have better relationships with their children.

References

Dalton, E. (2011, October). The church of jesus christ of latter-day saintshrist. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/love-her-mother

Hinckley, G. B. (1995, 9 23). The church of jesus christ of latter-day saints. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/family/proclamation?lang=eng

Wilcox, W., & Rosenberg, J. (2006). The importance of fathers in the healthy development of children. Retrieved from http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/chapterfour.cfm

Week Nine

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

As we discussed Communication and Problem Solving in families, we talked about the Councils held by the Quorum of the Twelve and the First Presidency. I was so inspired! Our family has never really done councils, and I don't think that my parents hold one regularly either. This concept hit me very hard, and I determined to make this part of my future family. Here are the important parts of a council:

One area of this that we didn't have time to discuss in much depth is just how we reach a consensus. I learned of a conflict resolution model that I think I would implement in the discussion to help reach the desired consensus. Here is a visual model of it:

Basically, each person takes a turn going over each part of the wheel, so that all areas of the topic are covered on each side before discussion begins. 

Why would we not take care of the issues that arise in family life, in our most precious relationships, with the same care that our leaders take care of the church? I believe this to be a beautiful, powerful and inspired pattern that I am excited to begin. 

Week Eight

Stressors and Crisis

Every family is going to encounter times of Stress, and even Crisis events. The important part is the response. Sometimes the response itself can be more of a crisis than the actual event! There are a few concepts that we discussed that I think will really help families to cope in a healthy manner.

The first is understanding the role that cognitions play. In many cases I think that we have more agency than we admit. We have the ability to choose what to think about many things, although some take more effort than others. Sometimes we may need to ‘reframe’ the situation, or take in more, different, or adjusted perspectives from your own. This re-shifting may need to happen many times.

As Bro. Williams told us about some of his life experiences and counseling experiences, I realized that principles of repentance and forgiveness and communication are universal, eternal truths. You don’t need to use those labels, but when it comes down to it, those are the only things that can really fix a situation. In times of crisis and stress, it is not only people that are hurt and affected, but relationships. And those cannot be fixed or maintained without a great amount of forgiveness, repentance and communication. I am so grateful for the gospel knowledge that I have, and for the guidance that it gives us on every hand.

Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.

Week Seven

Sexual Intimacy

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

This is a very sacred topic. Although it is not the most important part of a marriage, it is a barometer for other aspects. As I thought of what I wanted to discuss, I thought that I would instead include some resources from those who can express it better than I. There are so many wrong and negative views given multiple times a day, that it can be hard to keep a proper view of what intimacy is, and why it is important and beautiful. These talks have helped me to know what the proper role and view is, and to correct it in my mind.  This way I can continue to refer back to this as I learn more about this later in my life, and encounter any challenges. These are references that have blessed my understanding on this topic.

“Of Souls, Symbols and Sacraments” by Jeffrey R. Holland

“Bridle All your Passions” by Elder Hafen

“Making the Right Choices” by Elder Scott

“Things as They Really Are” by Elder Bednar

“The Fountain of Life” by Elder Packer

“Statements on Intimacy in Marriage” from the Eternal Marriage Manual

Week Two

This week we talked about Family Dynamics Theories. These are theories used to explain how families interact, and what a model family would look like. They are helpful as attempts to explain the ways that families interact, but one does not always apply to every situation. As I explain them, see how you could relate it to your family.

Systems Theory: Think of the family of a system of individual working parts that affect one another. Each individual family member plays a role in the overall workings of the family. Thus, an issue affecting one member is going to have a toll on the whole family. Another aspect of this is family rules. These can be unspoken or spoken habits and patterns that each member understands, consciously or not. An example of family rules that my family follows are the trips that we take each summer. It is a pattern that we have come to follow. It is not spoken or defined, but if we didn’t go on one, it would feel very wrong, but no one would probably know why. Looking for these rules can help us to see why something feels wrong or out of place. This theory would also explain why it was difficult for my family when I left for College. A family member wasn’t just being subtracted, everyone had to make adjustments because of the absence I left in every situation. 

We watched this commercial in class and talked about the way that the family system was similar and different to the way that a car works as a system:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ve4M4UsJQo

What do you think? What part do you play in your family?

Exchange Theory: All relationships are a matter of give and take. This theory would say that we all act on the question of “what’s in it for me?” and seek to do things that will give us what we want. An example of this would be me offering to make my brother dishes if he will wash my dishes.

Symbolic Interaction: This system explains that every behavior also has a meaning. Problems can happen when the intended meaning doesn’t match the interpretation of the meaning. For example, if I make my brother’s bed as a way to show him that I love him, but he is offended because he thinks he is old enough that he doesn’t need to be taken care of, there will be discord, because the intended meaning did not match the interpreted meaning.

Conflict Theory: This theory says that there will always be conflict, and as a result, a struggle for power. It is important to understand that conflict is natural, but the important thing is how we handle it. In a healthy relationship, I think there would be equal measures of power and influence.

We decided that Systems theory is most often useful to visualize what is happening in a family. If we were to draw it out, this is what my family would look like if healthy:

The dashes represent a boundary that makes it clear that there is an executive system; that Mom and Dad are a team. It is open, though, to influence. Think of it as a picket fence. It is clear where the boundary is, but it can still be spoken through. Contrast this with a Brick wall, or a fence with nothing but posts. 

This is a very simplified view of my family- there is a lot more going on than what is represented in this chart. But it is helpful to see graphically how my family would ideally be organized. This way, you can see how it differs from what it ought to be, and then it is simple to see what changes need made to create a healthier system. 

Ideas to Ponder:

How would you draw out your family? What do you think is should look like? Where would you put parents and in-laws?