Week Twelve

Divorce and Remarriage

The law of entropy has been on my mind a lot this semester, and I believe that it applies poignantly to this issue. It is simply a law of nature that things naturally progress towards disorganization and disorder. Things that are not taken care of break down. This is probably the overarching theme that I have learned this semester. The natural man is an enemy to God, and also to families. The natural way of things does not promote healthy relationships. But that is usually the easy way, and the way commonly taken by people. I wonder how often it is the cause of divorce. To achieve healthy relationships, it takes a great deal of attention, care, and work. I am grateful for all of the tools that I have gained that will help me to combat entropy in my family life and other dear relationships.

The beautiful thing is that this law does not have the final say. We have been taught the principles upon which healthy families are formed. We are not here to fail in our relationships, and even if we have made mistakes in the past, we are not doomed. Many relationships that are currently unhappy have the opportunity to get better. A fascinating statistic is that of people who rated their marital happiness a 1 or a 2 on a scale of 1 to 5, and were contemplating divorce, of those who stayed together, a high percentage rated their marriage a 4 or a 5, five years later. I think this demonstrates that there are ups and downs in most marriages, but that if you stick with it, those hard times have the ability to draw you closer together and ultimately bring you greater happiness. For those who do divorce, many are able to find happiness in remarriage. This, of course, does bring with it additional challenges, however. 

The wonderful theme is that marriage is ordained of God, and families are part of his divine plan. We are human, and will make mistakes, but the Atonement works for family life too. Regardless of the paths that we have taken in the past, we will be given all the help that we seek for in helping our families to progress toward eternity. 

I have learned so much this semester. I have come away with so much more confidence to face the challenges and decisions ahead of me. I know that I still don't have all of the answers. But one thing that gives me comfort, is the Proclamation on the Family. Somehow, most of the topics, if not the details, that we have covered in class are addressed by this inspired document and other inspired messages from our Church leaders. 

Week Eleven

Parenting

I hardly feel qualified to share insights and pointers on this topic. Parenting is just something that I didn't feel at all ready to tackle. But some of the issues that we discussed helped to quell this concern a little bit. 

We started off our discussion with a conversation about what the purpose of parenting is. I was especially struck with how often we went back to the idea that parenting is about coming to know our Heavenly Father, and learning to be like him. I wondered how the notion and practice of parenthood would be different in our world if everyone- even LDS people- knew and understood and acted upon this understanding. Parenting would then not be about control or regulation, it would be an opportunity for both to learn and grow. Michael Popkin, whose parenting methods that we learned some more about, declared that the goal of parenting was to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive. 

Another idea that was introduced to me was the idea of natural and logical consequences. We decided that allowing children to learn from the natural consequences of their actions was the best way to teach them responsible use of their agency. This does not apply in every situation, however, there are three exceptions: when it would be too dangerous, the consequence would be too far in the future to be a good teacher, and if it would affect someone else. When we do have to create consequences in order to discipline, it is best if they are logical consequences. This means that the contrived consequences would still show in some way what may happen if that action continued, just in a smaller way, or for a limited time. This is an alternative to using punishment and reward to get the desired behavior. So, if a child misbehaves, you wouldn't sentence them to mowing the lawn. There is no connection to the wrongful action, so it will likely do nothing but create resentment. 

I still have so much to learn about how to be an effective parent- but I guess that's the point! There is no way that we can read enough literature and talk to enough experts to learn everything before having children. I do believe that there is probably no goal that Heavenly Father would be more anxious to guide us in than as a parent. Although I have a lot to learn, these tips, along with the guidance of the Spirit will help me to be successful. 

Week Ten

Family Work

One of the discussions that really hit home for me this week was about how work has been redefined over the past 2 or 300 years. This was not something that I had really thought about before, but I now believe that this transition has had a huge impact on families. Up until the industrial revolution, work was something that families did together. Now it has become individualized, has taken the father away from the home, the definition and purpose of work has become income, and there has been a gender division in labor.

The article that we read in preparation can be found at http://magazine.byu.edu/?act=view&a=151. I would recommend it! 

The article that we read impacted me very much. It made so much sense, and yet I had never connected the changes and struggles that families have to work. So what am I going to do differently in my family now that I am aware of this? It made me commit to share as much of the work in my household as possible. I want it to become something that I and my children find rewarding, not be seen as a punishment. I think that the social aspect of work has virtually disappeared in many cases (in ours, it has become ‘divide and conquer’), and that is something that I would like to make a priority in my household. I have noticed that some of my fondest memories are times that my family has worked together towards a common cause, and allowed for fun and interaction in the meantime. 

Another topic that we covered this week was Fatherhood. For one of our assignments, we had to research some things that successful fathers do, and write a paper about it. I didn't know that Fatherhood was such a well researched topic! There is a lot of guidance that has resulted, and I wanted to share some of the examples that I found. 

Rosenberg and Wilcox compiled a list of seven ways that fathers influence their children in critical ways that is published by the U.S. Government’s Child Welfare program. I would like to touch on five of those points.

· Relationship with Mother: Rosenberg and Wilcox’s article states that, “children who witness affectionate, respectful, and sacrificial behavior on the part of their father are more likely to treat their own, future spouses in a similar fashion” (2006). The article goes on to explain that the example set by their father in this role as husband will likely play into the future health and happiness of their children as they form their own relationships, as well as relieve them of negative consequences that marital discord between their parents may bring. The truth that “the most important thing a father can do for his daughter is to love her mother,” was also taught by Elaine Dalton in a recent Conference address (2011).

· Unique ability to Discipline: Wilcox and Rosenberg (2006) state that, “the role that fathers play as disciplinarians cannot be underestimated.” They go on to say that fathers are uniquely successful in disciplining boys, and contribute to the overall success of discipline by sharing the load with the mother.

· Spending Time with Children: According to Dr. Canfield, the Founder and President of the National Center for Fathering, as well as many LDS commercials, family love is best communicated through time spent together (Wilcox & Rosenberg, 2006). The Child Welfare article (2006) explains that this is for three reasons: it allows him to get to know his child, he will tend to become better at child caring, and the child will feel more loved. Fathers specifically are in a great position to help a child develop a sense of exploration and how to keep feelings of aggression in check (Wilcox & Rosenberg, 2006). Some studies even show that a father’s involvement in education can be more important for academic success than their mothers (Wilcox & Rosenberg, 2006).

· Guide to the Outside World: Fathers play an important function in the lives of their children by encouraging them to learn about and explore the outside world while providing them with the safety and guidance that they need to do so (Wilcox & Rosenberg, 2006). Wilcox and Rosenberg (2006) show how this role is vital at every stage of a child’s development, from toddler to adolescent. They conclude by saying that fathers can prepare their children to meet the challenges and opportunities of adulthood by gradually helping them to act independently.

· Protecting and Providing: By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families (Hinckley, 1995). Wilcox and Rosenberg (2006) support this statement by explaining that a father who provides financially for his family and are aware of and involved in their social environment helps his children to feel safe and secure, and tend to have better relationships with their children.

References

Dalton, E. (2011, October). The church of jesus christ of latter-day saintshrist. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/love-her-mother

Hinckley, G. B. (1995, 9 23). The church of jesus christ of latter-day saints. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/family/proclamation?lang=eng

Wilcox, W., & Rosenberg, J. (2006). The importance of fathers in the healthy development of children. Retrieved from http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/chapterfour.cfm

Week Nine

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

As we discussed Communication and Problem Solving in families, we talked about the Councils held by the Quorum of the Twelve and the First Presidency. I was so inspired! Our family has never really done councils, and I don't think that my parents hold one regularly either. This concept hit me very hard, and I determined to make this part of my future family. Here are the important parts of a council:

One area of this that we didn't have time to discuss in much depth is just how we reach a consensus. I learned of a conflict resolution model that I think I would implement in the discussion to help reach the desired consensus. Here is a visual model of it:

Basically, each person takes a turn going over each part of the wheel, so that all areas of the topic are covered on each side before discussion begins. 

Why would we not take care of the issues that arise in family life, in our most precious relationships, with the same care that our leaders take care of the church? I believe this to be a beautiful, powerful and inspired pattern that I am excited to begin. 

Week Eight

Stressors and Crisis

Every family is going to encounter times of Stress, and even Crisis events. The important part is the response. Sometimes the response itself can be more of a crisis than the actual event! There are a few concepts that we discussed that I think will really help families to cope in a healthy manner.

The first is understanding the role that cognitions play. In many cases I think that we have more agency than we admit. We have the ability to choose what to think about many things, although some take more effort than others. Sometimes we may need to ‘reframe’ the situation, or take in more, different, or adjusted perspectives from your own. This re-shifting may need to happen many times.

As Bro. Williams told us about some of his life experiences and counseling experiences, I realized that principles of repentance and forgiveness and communication are universal, eternal truths. You don’t need to use those labels, but when it comes down to it, those are the only things that can really fix a situation. In times of crisis and stress, it is not only people that are hurt and affected, but relationships. And those cannot be fixed or maintained without a great amount of forgiveness, repentance and communication. I am so grateful for the gospel knowledge that I have, and for the guidance that it gives us on every hand.

Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.

Week Seven

Sexual Intimacy

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

This is a very sacred topic. Although it is not the most important part of a marriage, it is a barometer for other aspects. As I thought of what I wanted to discuss, I thought that I would instead include some resources from those who can express it better than I. There are so many wrong and negative views given multiple times a day, that it can be hard to keep a proper view of what intimacy is, and why it is important and beautiful. These talks have helped me to know what the proper role and view is, and to correct it in my mind.  This way I can continue to refer back to this as I learn more about this later in my life, and encounter any challenges. These are references that have blessed my understanding on this topic.

“Of Souls, Symbols and Sacraments” by Jeffrey R. Holland

“Bridle All your Passions” by Elder Hafen

“Making the Right Choices” by Elder Scott

“Things as They Really Are” by Elder Bednar

“The Fountain of Life” by Elder Packer

“Statements on Intimacy in Marriage” from the Eternal Marriage Manual

Week Two

This week we talked about Family Dynamics Theories. These are theories used to explain how families interact, and what a model family would look like. They are helpful as attempts to explain the ways that families interact, but one does not always apply to every situation. As I explain them, see how you could relate it to your family.

Systems Theory: Think of the family of a system of individual working parts that affect one another. Each individual family member plays a role in the overall workings of the family. Thus, an issue affecting one member is going to have a toll on the whole family. Another aspect of this is family rules. These can be unspoken or spoken habits and patterns that each member understands, consciously or not. An example of family rules that my family follows are the trips that we take each summer. It is a pattern that we have come to follow. It is not spoken or defined, but if we didn’t go on one, it would feel very wrong, but no one would probably know why. Looking for these rules can help us to see why something feels wrong or out of place. This theory would also explain why it was difficult for my family when I left for College. A family member wasn’t just being subtracted, everyone had to make adjustments because of the absence I left in every situation. 

We watched this commercial in class and talked about the way that the family system was similar and different to the way that a car works as a system:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ve4M4UsJQo

What do you think? What part do you play in your family?

Exchange Theory: All relationships are a matter of give and take. This theory would say that we all act on the question of “what’s in it for me?” and seek to do things that will give us what we want. An example of this would be me offering to make my brother dishes if he will wash my dishes.

Symbolic Interaction: This system explains that every behavior also has a meaning. Problems can happen when the intended meaning doesn’t match the interpretation of the meaning. For example, if I make my brother’s bed as a way to show him that I love him, but he is offended because he thinks he is old enough that he doesn’t need to be taken care of, there will be discord, because the intended meaning did not match the interpreted meaning.

Conflict Theory: This theory says that there will always be conflict, and as a result, a struggle for power. It is important to understand that conflict is natural, but the important thing is how we handle it. In a healthy relationship, I think there would be equal measures of power and influence.

We decided that Systems theory is most often useful to visualize what is happening in a family. If we were to draw it out, this is what my family would look like if healthy:

The dashes represent a boundary that makes it clear that there is an executive system; that Mom and Dad are a team. It is open, though, to influence. Think of it as a picket fence. It is clear where the boundary is, but it can still be spoken through. Contrast this with a Brick wall, or a fence with nothing but posts. 

This is a very simplified view of my family- there is a lot more going on than what is represented in this chart. But it is helpful to see graphically how my family would ideally be organized. This way, you can see how it differs from what it ought to be, and then it is simple to see what changes need made to create a healthier system. 

Ideas to Ponder:

How would you draw out your family? What do you think is should look like? Where would you put parents and in-laws?

Week Six

Transitions in Marriage

Two transitions that we talked about were the actual marriage, and then adding children into the mix. We learned some things that I thought were great tools to help each transition go more smoothly.

Engagement and Marriage: Does it really matter how a marriage begins? Why do we have to have all the fuss surrounding it? I think that all of the “fuss” is symbolic of the marriage itself, and how it is viewed by society. There is a lot of hubbub because it is one of the most important decisions that these two people will ever make. The parties and showers and receptions help to show the gravity of the occasion, and give an opportunity to help the couple prepare for and celebrate it. Many couples look back to these early days when they face struggles in marriage. Having this in mind, I think that it is important to set patterns in the preparation for marriage that you want to be continued in it. Make decisions together, be aware of the role that money is playing, and take time to prepare for the marriage, not just the wedding.

As the marriage begins, it would be wise to understand that under stress (of which there is a lot of in the first years of marriage) that we revert to old habits. It would be wise to anticipate and communicate about these.

Models of marital satisfaction show that marriage satisfaction declines dramatically after the first child is born. This is very out of scale, but also not true of many couples. However, changes in a marriage after a child is born are inevitable. What is it that successful couples do to make this transition easier? Much of it will just be communicating and preparing for the changes before the baby comes. So what kind of changes can be anticipated?

·         Workload: Typically there is a 60% increase for mom and 30% increase for dad. Between the two it is like adding a full time job!

·         Agreement: Men tend to perceive that there is less agreement in the marriage.

·         There is typically less physical intimacy, especially in the first few weeks after delivery.

·         There is also typically less conversation about the couple itself.

So what are some things that can be done to combat these?

·         Share developmental milestones. Explain and talk about things during the pregnancy so that the habit is established. Go through it as a team.

·         Involve dad in activities such as prenatal checkups.

·         Continue date nights. Make sure that it is clear in action that you are still a Husband and Wife, not just a new mommy and daddy.

·         Find non-baby things to do together and talk about.

·         Dad’s special ability is to play. Let him do it! Let him learn to care for the child without correction, just as you needed to. 

Week Five

Preparing for Marriage

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.

I loved our discussions this week, because it is a topic frequently on my mind, and the minds of my friends. Some of the models that we discussed really helped me to understand some of my past relationships, and know how to create healthier ones in the future.

One thing that was very helpful was Van Epp’s “Know Quo,” a way to help gauge how well you know someone. I have already shared this with several friends and co-workers :) It basically says that in order to know someone, you need to talk, spend time together, and experience togetherness. Dating would be so much more powerful if we patterned it to give us more of each area. One thing to keep in mind is that a high level in one category doesn’t compensate for another.

 The Second Idea that blew my mind was Van Epp’s Relationship Attachment Model. According to him, in order for a relationship to develop healthily, aspects of the relationship need to develop in a certain order. Failure to do this will result in unhealthy attachment, confusion, guilt and doubt. This is something I wish I had known years ago! Understanding this model helped me to understand why I have felt the way I have in certain relationships. I plan to pay careful attention to this in the future. Dating should not be passive.

There was a third thing that I wish that every man on this campus understood. It would revolutionize the way that people dated! And the funny thing is that it is made up of two sets of “P’s” that we all already know and embrace. The first, the P’s of a Father’s role outlined by the Proclamation: Protect, Provide, Preside. Second, the three P definitions of a date as given by Elder Oaks: Planned, Paid for, Paired off. What I had never realized, was that these two lists coincide perfectly! Sooo cool!!

If dating were to follow this pattern, men would be showing their ability to be a father and husband each time the couple goes out (and being a couple does not compensate for dating).  Elder Oaks recipe for a date was not just a way to combat hanging out, it is a recipe to help us set patterns for a healthy family, and make sure that those we date are what we are looking for in an eternal companion. 

Week Four

What I wish the World Knew about Gender and Same Gender Attraction

ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

For a preparation assignment, we watched a documentary called Men, Women and the Sex Difference. In this documentary, the opinion that “we badly need to raise our boys more like our girls” was expressed. This is a view that is beginning to permeate our society. We consider gender a matter of choice, something that can be decided by the individual, something that is merely created by societal expectations. That view runs completely contradictory to the understanding that gender is essential to our roles, both before we came to this earth, now, and throughout the eternities. In class, we talked about how “If you and I are the same, one of us is unnecessary.” Men and Women are created differently- for a divine purpose- and each is critical. Together, we balance each other out. Here is an example of some gender-oriented characteristics. Look to see how they are complementary to the other gender, and can work together in tandem.

Girls/Women

Sensitive

Observant, Detail Oriented

Landmarks

Cooperative

Relationship Oriented

Boys/Men

Aggressive

Spatial Orientation

Competitive

Self-Reliant

Task Oriented

In Marriage, especially, these qualities and characteristics can work together to form a team ideal for raising children, and managing successfully in this world. They have the capability to complete and perfect each other.

So how does Gender tie into Same Gender Attraction? In class we discussed a model called the Exotic to Erotic Model, that Bro. Williams said explained the situation that fit most of those that he counseled.

Ideas to Ponder:

·         What harm might the Labels “gay” “homosexual” and “lesbian” be doing?

·         What role does the representation of this lifestyle in the media play in the promotions of it?

·         What role might legalizing same sex marriage play in the promotion of the lifestyle?

·         Understanding the influence of society, how might you respond to someone who has just “come out”? How important is it that they feel loved and supported?

·         Extra Sources of Interest:

·         http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html

·         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym0jXg-hKCI

Week Three

This week we discussed Cultures and Social Class. Living in Idaho and Utah for most of my life, I haven't had a huge exposure to other cultures, but this last semester I had the opportunity to live in Israel for 4 months. There was no shortage of diversity there! It was fascinating to me how sometimes culture dictates what is appropriate and what is not. In America, there is no problem with your hair being seen. There are many living in the Middle East who would disagree, because of the culture they have been raised in. The way that boys and girls, men and women interact in the United States is vastly different as well. Girls and boys did not play together. They seemed to always be in groups of their own gender. Families seemed to be a much more private, sacred thing to most of the cultures I saw. Many of their traditions were beautiful and things that I would like to emulate. But some of the traditions did not seem to be as healthy.
As we examine our own culture, I think it is important to scrutinize it carefully. Are there aspects of it that are unhealthy? Are there things I do just because I am supposed to, not because it is healthy? Am I placing importance on the right things? Our discussion about Social Class and Cultures raised many of these questions to me. It is important to understand where others come from so that we can understand them better, but also to see where we come from.
These questions reminded me of a short story that I read in High School, called The Lottery, by Shirley Jackson. As you read this, think of what traditions, or family rules there may be in your family that are unhealthy, so that they are not perpetuated to the future.

Week One

What I wish the World Knew about Trends in the Family

I have come to believe that it is very important to be aware of the trends in the world, and the consequences of those paths, so that you can be aware that it is acting on you, and make conscious choices. Here are a few examples of some such trends in our world today:

Delayed Marriage: The average age at first marriage is 26 for women and 28 for men. The average ages for LDS women and men respectively is 22 and 24. The interesting thing is that both ages are increasing- at the same rate. This made me nervous. We are counseled so often as Young Adults to not postpone marriage. To me, it is not so much a matter of problems caused by older spouses and parents, but that this wouldn’t be a trend if other things weren’t becoming more important to people than family. The idea that “it can wait” is a dangerous one.

Unwed Births: This rate is also rising. It was recently said that in America there are now more children being born outside of marriage than inside of it. That is really scary. Especially when you consider the Proclamation’s statement that children are entitled to being born within the bonds of matrimony, with a Father and a Mother to care for them.

Birthrates: The overall rate of births, however, is decreasing. This wouldn’t be a big deal if the world was in fact overpopulated as many believe. But that is just not the case. We watched a Documentary called the Demographic Winter that explained the problems that society will face with such a drop in human capital. Many nations are even now reproducing below  the replacement rate. The effects of this choice, when made by so many families will have a far reaching effect beyond the individual families, across nations and cultures. And it will happen more quickly than we probably realize. Again, the Proclamation counters with the fact that the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.

Mom’s Working outside of the home: This rate is also increasing. The highest rate is for those children under 6. This is very scary as well, considering all of the counsel given by our prophets for mothers to stay in the home.

Premarital Sex: Again, a rate that is rising. Many agree that this is a problem, but there is disagreement as to why. Many believe that the problem is only unprotected sex- that as long as it is protected or birth control is used, that it is fine. There is a push to educate young people along those lines, rather than encouraging them to wait until within the bonds of marriage.

Cohabitation: Rates are rising here too. The thing that worries me, is that in many cases, people enter into cohabitation with good intentions. They have seen divorce and unsucessful marriages so many times, that they want to make sure that they get it right- so they try it out before tying the knot. But this shows that they don’t really understand what marriage is. Statistics show that marriages that began with cohabitation are even less successful. Why? Because they are just sliding into marriage. Marriage is a commitment. And that can’t be practiced. You are either committed to each other or you aren’t. That commitment is crucial to marriage’s success. If you are simply trying it out or practicing, it is not going to work the same way.

Household Size: Going down. This again relates to the overall rate of birth, as well as families that have been split by divorce.

It is scary to me, that so many of these trends run directly contrary to the counsel that we are given by our Church leaders- which comes directly from Heavenly Father. Nothing that runs contrary to those principles will bring happiness. I am so grateful for the principles taught so timely in the Proclamation to the World on the Family. How I wish that the whole world understood and acted upon those principles.